I have like 10 blog posts swimming around in my head. It has been that way for a while now which is one reason I have put off posting for so long and why my last few updades were...well...less writing and more photos. I kind of struggle sometimes with the whole blogging thing mostly because I keep a personal journal. That is where I write most things down. I keep one for myself, and one for each of my kids including little Miss Lyndee. I do my best to keep up on them and at times I do better that others. Even with those journals, I struggle with what to put on paper. Where are my thoughts and feelings safe? If I blog them...they are out there for EVERYONE. Is that what I want? Is that what my "readers" want. I don't really even know if I have any "readers" and I really am ok with that, I just don't know. In my journal...the writings are there for EVER ON PAPER for my posterity. That is pretty huge too. Do I want my children and grandchildren to see IT ALL? To know it ALL? I am just not sure.
So here is maybe a summary of a few of my thoughts, struggles, whatever you want to call it. I am sure it won't make sense...but it is what I have to offer. Maybe more in the future, I don't know.
I am trying to better A LOT of things about myself. There are so many things that I don't like about myself. Things that I struggle with daily, things that creep up in my thoughts, things that all of a sudden hit me and I feel like I am going to snap. There is so much to do to make nearly an allover change in who you have become. It is hard knowing that people say things about you that are hurtful. People that you trust and love. I KNOW a lot of people (myself included) think of me as weak a people pleaser if you will, uncapable of many things. I know I have let my self down many times as well as those I love. So with New Years right around the corner, I am forcing myself to take a step back and make the changes necessary to be a better version of ME. I have struggled a lot this past year with some very personal battles. Relationships that I cherished were challenged and some were lost. Choices...sides if you will....were laid infront of me and as hard as I tried not to choose sides or make a choice...it happened a line was drawn in the sand and everything is different. This applies to a few different situations in my life right now. Funny huh? How totally different situations can sting the same way. How hurt is hurt no matter where the actual pain stem's from, it hurts and it also heals. I am in the healing place. I want to move forward. I want to focus on the good things in my life which are GREAT not just good. My husband, is so amazing. He has a way with me. He who struggles to communicate his feelings is perfect when he expresses them to me. Not usually at first...but he get's there! :) I want to be better because He deserves better. He is lovely and I am so fond of him and all he offers me. I have recently been reflecting on a lot of things and choosing Erick to be my Eternal Companion is one of the things in my life that I am 100% CONFIDENT that I made the VERY BEST choice possible. That I struck gold when we crossed paths that Sunday in Church. We have a beautiful life together. We have amazing children that some may think otherwise, this is UNDENIABLY thier loss and it is a great loss. I KNOW that our children are a direct reflection of Erick and I. For that, I am PROUD. I am PROUD to be their MOTHER. I am proud that they are loving and compassionate and gentle. I know they are crazy and wild. They are children...they are amazing. I have much to improve upon when it come's to raising these babies, but I know I can do better. I am making a CHOICE to be better. It will take a lot of help from my Father in Heaven and to be honest, I can't wait to connect with Him. To hand it to Him and see what he makes of ME. I CAN'T WAIT...
So I think I have rambled enough for one nonsense post. I am sorry if this makes NO SENSE at all. I don't know what I expect to get from this but I do know that sometimes just putting it all out there helps. I hope this is the case.
Until next time....
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5 comments:
well, Molly, I read it! and I love your honesty. made me think of a few things I can change in my own life. wow... you are one amazing gal!!!
I don't know what is really going on with you right now...but I wanted to say that we all feel like we have a lot to improve on! I love you Molly and hope that you don't get down and know what a great example you are to so many. Love ya
You are fantastic. I especially love the part about your children. They are fantastic too and I as you just said, I too have felt that it really is too bad that other's don't enjoy my children as much as I do. Too bad for them. I love how you put that! Molly, we all go through ups and downs and I want to thank you for posting. SOmeitmes I feel like I am the only one brave enough to throw out my feelings. Not caring about what other's think, but it does feel good to det them down in writing. Hang in there. I have said it before and I will say it again, I think that you and Erick are amazing people and parents. I think more peope look up to you than you realize. I truly look at you as a friend for life and if you ever need anything please don't hesitate. Take care! Love you.
Molly, You are a most amazing wife, mother and friend. I am so glad that I have had the opprotunity to get to know you better more recently. As I was reading your post so many things felt familiar to me. It seems like we all have similar stuggles and yet they are different. It is nice to know we are all in this together and we can support each other and encourage each other. You inspire me in so many ways. Thanks for being my friend.
Love Gailine
Uhm ya, everything that Lisa said...I say. I guess this just made me sad that I don't know what you are talking about specifically because we have been so in and out of each others life since I moved away. I love you, Erick and your kiddos just the same as ever though and I will always be your friend. I'm always here for you. Just a phone call or text away, really!
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