It has been three weeks since Lyndee Lou came into our lives. How can that be? Why is it that these three weeks have FLOWN by and the last three weeks of pregnancy went SOOOOO SLOW? It is crazy to me. Lyndee is precious. She is perfect in every way. EVERYONE is loving having her here and can't get enough of her. The kids constantly beg to hold her and kiss her and love her. It is a bit overwhelming at times well...most of the time right now but I am trying REALLY hard to be patient with them. I know they love her so much.
As I have spent much time reflecting on what has taken place in the last month and a half I become a bit overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with gratitude and sadness at the same time. I suppose I have a classic case of the "Baby Blues"
It all started the day after we had Lyndee. I got up that morning and got in the shower in the hospital room. I clearly remember stepping in...being freezing and wishing the water would heat up quicker. I looked down at my stomach like I usually did in the shower prior to having Lyndee. I would admire my big ole' tummy and rub it and try to see her move inside of me. I don't know what I expected when I looked down this time but the tears started and they were coming fast and it became a little hard to breathe. As I sit and type this right now, I am having a similar experience. My heart aches at the thought of never carrying a baby again inside my body. It feels the way I suppose grief would feel. Like I am mourning what I will never have again. I took a really long shower as I tried to compose myself before getting out. Erick does not do well with crazy emotions! So I try to spare him as often as I can. It is really hard for me to grasp that I will never...
Have a BEAUTIFUL pregnant body again...
Or feel the gentle and NOT so gentle movements of my baby inside of me. The hic-ups and the feet and hands pressing out my side...all of it.
I LOVE being pregnant and I usually feel AMAZING while I am and I did up until the last trimester.
It is so sad to me that I will never have this again.
And I will never...
Have the feeling I had in this picture when, I knew it was time to push and I was SO scared and SO excited all in one moment. When everything was falling into place and coming to an end and a beginning all at once. I LOVE that moment, I will cherish it.
And I will never get to wait in anticipation with Erick getting the cameras just right to capture the looks on our kids faces as they get their first look at their new baby. This is the 4th time we have done it and we look forward to this moment every time. It is so fun to see the love they have for the new baby.
And I will never have ALL OF THESE "FIRST'S"
Her first little hair do...getting ready to go home from the hospital...
Daddy loving on her, getting her all ready and calm to go home...
Coming home to Welcome Signs for all of us.
Everyone getting to hold her for the first time in the comfort of our own home.
I also will never....
Be on bedrest for over 3 weeks again. Where I cannot be the kind of mother that I want to be or the wife that I want to be to my Cowboy. In so much pain that I spent more time crying that not.
This is where my thoughts start to make a turn around for the better!
I will never...
have surgery 5 day's prior to giving birth and have to worry what kind of affect it will have on our baby or myself.
See what I mean? There are so many NEVERS and that's a very hard pill for me to swallow. However, I am not blinded so much by all the "nevers" that I cannot see the 5 BEAUTIFUL 'ALWAYS' that I will have forever. (To be totally honest, I am 100% certain that if I had just had my 12th baby rather than my 5th, I would still feel this overwhelming sadness that I was done having children.) I am eternally thankful for every single second that I have with each of my children. Life is good and I know that as we move into this new phase of life...the non baby making phase that so much fun and joy await us. Our family is beautiful! I love our first family photo below...
THIS is my ALWAYS...
7 comments:
You are amazing. You captured so many of the emotions I have been feeling the past few years about not having anymore kids. I didn't get to truly enjoy my last pregnancy because my mom was so sick and then she passed away 3 months before I had him. I didn't take the time to enjoy the feeling of him moving around, the hugeness of my belly. I only have 1 picture! But like you, I start to think about all the things I do have. And it really is fun when you know that this is your family forever and there will be no more additions. It really does get fun as the babies get older! I can promise you that much! :) Like I said, you are amazing. I look up to you as a mother and a wife. You are awesome! I can't say that enough!
Sniff, sniff. Wish I still lived down the street. I would come over every day to lend and ear, a shoulder, a hand, a joke, a diaper, a meal, a word, etc. I'll just keep on doing what I can. Pray for you and your family.
It IS a strange feeling when you are done having children to think of all the "never's" but I so admire that you can always see the sun through your clouds. You are an amazing daughter of God. and everything else that Memory said! Love ya.
Oh my gosh :) I felt like I was there with you and teared up myself.
Wow Molly. I can't put into words the feeling of joy and sadness you left me with after reading this blog. You are so good at capturing into words the emotions and feelings that not only you but others may and are also going through. You are an incredible person and I will always call it a blessing that I have known you.
Molly - you are such a good mamma. I wonder if our kids will ever know all that we have gone through for them.
I love your blog - you are so honest and open about everything. And I feel exactly the same way! Just like we talked about - the last one will always be sad. But there's a lot to look forward to!
Wow! Molly, thank you for sharing. As I read that I almost had to compose myself. I too am having my usual issues with those damn blues. Excuse my language. I am not really sure of what to say that might be comforting and I am feeling so numb about everything in my life right now that it almost feels like it is not me. I am only doing things to get through. I feel for you. I totally get those emotions. I am so sorry that there are so many "never's" and that we have to experience those feelings. I hate it too! I know that you are an amazing mom and good friend. I hope that as time goes by that sadness is healed. I really don't like knowing that you are sad. Cheer up. Love you.
Love Lisa
i'm never reading your blog again... i cry every time. all i can say is i get it!
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