Being a Mom is HARD. It is hard in ways that I never thought of when I was a little girl playing with my babies. I fed them, I loved on them, I changed their clothes and diapers. I sang songs to them and played games with them. I took them on walks, had pik-niks too! These are ALL the things I have done with my own REAL LIFE children and yet, still I fall short. Still I find myself asking my Heavenly Father, "Please help me, I am at a loss. I have drawn a blank and my children are not being fulfilled for some reason. Please. Please, I need help." I don't remember feeling this way when I had my dollies growing up.
This BEAUTIFUL little boy....My little Kash with that perfect smile and his itty bitty hands, his beautiful perfectly round little face. His giggle/laugh that is POSITIVELY INFECTIOUS. His querky little funny personality, is the child that (at this moment) is causing such turmoil in my Spirit as a Mother. I can't figure him out half of the time. He is SUCH a happy little guy.
He really LOVES life and all things that go along with it. He enjoys school and gets really excited when he does well in school or at anything for that matter. He LOVES positive reinforcement so I give it to him as OFTEN as possible. I love to see his face light up when I praise him. It really does feed my soul. Recently at Church they had a lesson in Primary about some children that were faced with a decision. When they made the right choice they said " I feel like I am walking on the clouds." Kash LOVED that story and ever since has wanted to tell everyone that he feels like he is walking on clouds when he makes a good choice. I love that he is listening and learning and trying to be good. I know being 5 has it's challenges. I also recognize that there are times that I expect too much from my children. I have to remind myself that he/they are only 5/children. I want Kash to be strong, I want him to be valiant and SURE of who he is.
Recently Kash has been throwing fits. We usually don't go one day without seeing one of these award winning performances. Really...believe me...they are a SIGHT TO SEE! Complete with sobbing and hitting himself in the head with his hand or banging his head on the wall. You get the point I am sure. It really is a frustrating thing for me because most often, they are over the smallest thing. I have come up with a few techniques that SOMETIMES help to calm him down. The most effective is, I get down on his level and hold up my 10 fingers. I ask him to count them one by one and take a deep breath between each hand. This works pretty well. He usually starts laughing and snaps out of his rage doing this. Sometimes, he is just out of control and I lose it and yell. When I yell, he TOTALLY flips out. He shuts down and that's when things get even worse. Why can't I just control myself when I KNOW it makes an already bad situation worse? I need someone to hold up 10 fingers in my face on my level...I think.
This morning, Kash had a fit on the way to school over NOTHING! It kept escelating and I stayed calm...then I just yelled at him, that he needed to "knock it off!" Of course then his rage was replaced with tears and heartbreak. Then there was no calming him down. I tried and tried. I was so frustrated with him that I sent him off to school with little tears on his cheek. Much like the ones that are on mine right now. Why did I do this? Why did I let him walk away from me like that? Why does he have these fits of rage and anger that take him over? I found myself pleading with my Father in Heaven as soon as I pulled away from the parking lot. As of yet, I have not received my answer. What am I doing wrong? Kash is so special. Anyone that meets him will say so. There is just something about that little boy. Something, I cannot explain. He is precious and I don't know how to help him through this struggle he is having. I don't even know what is causing it. What I do know is that it is breaking my spirit as well. I feel that I am failing him in some sense. This is my biggest fear as a Mother. Some may call it Mommy Guilt. That is not what this is. This is bigger. I need to teach Kash how to deal with his feelings now, while they are 5 year old issues and struggles so that when he is much older, he will have the tools and know how to handle himself. When I am not there to hold up my 10 fingers.
My baby boy...I love you...I am sorry you have a hot temper. I am sorry you don't know how to handle it right now at your tender little age. I PROMISE you, I will figure this out for the both of us. We will get through this and hopefully both be better at dealing with our frustration. I love you more than any other little 5 year old boy in this entire world. I am sorry you went to school today with tears on your cheek. I will be better, I will be better for you. You deserve it.
Love,
Momma
6 comments:
I'm so sorry Mol. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You know the struggles we have had with Kaden. I think the same things - I just hope we can teach these sweet little boys how to handle these things.
And I know how awful it is to send a kid to school in tears. I had one particularly awful day taking Kaden to school kicking and screaming that will probably haunt me forever.
Molly - don't beat yourself up too much. (Easier said than done, I know) We all lose our cool, we are not expected to be perfect. You are SUCH a good mama - your kids know how incredibly much you love them! They are lucky to have you!
Hang in there mama!
I'm sorry you had a bad morning. There have been so many times that I have held it together and then the one time I overreact I feel I have lost all the progress I have made with Nick. I get frustrated with myself too. Why can't I always be the calm Mom. The problem is we are human and our kids know how to push our buttons. You are a wonderful Mother and Kash is lucky to have you. Don't doubt yourself, just do your best. It is great that you recognize what works and what doesn't. I do have some other possible suggestions if you want to talk. Love you Gailine
I agree its hard being a mom.
I read someones blog a while ago and she talked about how she was a good mom. Not because she did everything right or was perfect, but simply because she TRIES.
It helped me so maybe it will help you. When you figure it out, tell me your secret.
hey molly,
i can completely relate! i thought my little guy was a rage-a-holic for a while. BUT i do have some tips that have helped him that may help your cute fella.
i bought him this little kids meditation CD at night for when he sleeps, it's basically a compilation of children's books but they help kids deal with anger, self-esteem, and anxiety. caleb turns it on and goes to bed with it every night and it seriously has helped him during the day. plus it relaxes him, he goes to sleep within 5 minutes and he no longer has nightmares.
also, i bought this little work-book on amazon that is specifically for kids who have anger but don't know how to express it in a healthy way. the book helps you & your child figure out how to help him, and he gets to do little drawing exercises so that he can express himself better. it helped me understand caleb a ton too.
and then for the last thing, (sorry this is so long) i think the most important thing that i've learned with caleb is letting him know that it is a-okay to be angry, he just needs to express it in a healthy way. so there are a lot of little things i have him do....like punch a pillow 100 times, or get a bag of ice from the grocery store and let him throw them outside as HARD as he wants to. while he's doing these things, i let him YELL about whatever is making him so mad. sometimes it's about me, or about how things are unfair, etc. (so don't take it personally, because it's totally normal) and i talk him through it, telling him it's okay to be angry, that he's a good boy, etc.
once we started doing these things, he gets over it so much faster! anger is a secondary emotion, which means it usually is masking what's really wrong (anxiety, fear, hurt), and most of the time, once i get caleb to get his anger out in a good way, we can get down to what the real problem is.
a lot of time with kids, it's anxiety that they don't know what to do with & it comes out as rage.
there are other things, like affirmations and breathing exercises, and mindfulness activities...this is the stuff i learn by being married to a future psychologist! :) and if you want anymore ideas, just let me know! i know i've rambled on, i just know what it feels like to be frustrated & not know how to help your own kid.
the good news is? caleb is a DIFFERENT kid now. helping him get his anger out in a good way instead of stuffing it down or telling him he's wrong for reacting the way he is has changed his emotions, and has changed ME as his mother. we can now understand each other. it's not perfect, but it's a million times better!
good luck my friend! and just know that i am here if you need anything, or just someone to vent to, who understands.
every day i think "huh, i'm doing pretty good at keeping it together and not yelling." then bedtime comes around... and can't seem to keep it together and every night i pray for forgiveness and for help to do it better the next day. i know you're a great mom. don't beat yourself up. my #3 is the smartest, prettiest, sweetest girl and yet... she is going to be the death of me. when she flips out... SHE FLIPS OUT. just wanted you to know you're not alone!!! oh, and i think all my girls have had a turn going to school with tears. at least you feel bad about it... every time it happens around here i'm so annoyed i don't care! hahahaha
Oh, cant we ALL relate. I think the only 100% answer is love and a ton of it...especially when they dont deserve it! You are doing great, hang in there!
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