Some more Baby Blues...

It is HARD having a newborn!  It really is!  I think I forgot!  I think we always forget!  The first few weeks of sleepless nights, unpredictable new little one, gas drops, trying to get the hang of nursing...That has been our biggest challenge with Lyndee Lou. 

She nursed like a PRO about 20 minutes after she was born and continued to until we found out she was not gaining weight.  Then we had to suppliment with formula.  I am pretty convinced she now has "nipple confusion"  She does not latch on right to the breast anymore and has a hard time latching correctly to the bottle as well.  She can't even get the hang of a pacifier.  We have tried many!  So now, I have SUPER SORE breasts a nasty case of Mastitis and a baby that prefers the bottle to me.  Talk about a heartbreaker!!!  I am not yet defeated...but I am close.  REALLY close!  As of now, I nurse her on both sides (painful) and THEN I have to give her a bottle of 3oz.  When I pump I get anywhere from 2 to 3oz. and the Dr said that should be plenty but this little Lou Lou is a little chow hog!!  So we are going with it.  

My emotions are pretty much all over the place.  The other morning I went to breakfast with a couple friends.  It was so nice to get out.  One of them paid me SUCH a nice compliment.  One that made me feel amazing and that I was who I have been working REALLY hard to be over the last couple years.  THE VERY NEXT DAY, another friend came over to see me and the baby and as we began to visit and catch up it was brought to my attention that I had REALLY hurt her feelings recently.  It just broke my heart.  Really it did.  She is one of the most giving, sincere, and lovely people I know.   I expressed how sorry I was/am.  I am still sorry.  What took place over those two days...of EXTREME HIGH  and EXTREME LOW is EXACTLY what is happening like 25 times a day!  

I know it will pass.  I know once I start getting more sleep and my little Lou starts to get on a bit of a schedule I will feel better and have a little more control of my emotions.  My Momma reminded me that my body is recovering from not only having a baby but from surgery, from being in SEVERE pain for weeks, from laying in bed for nearly a month.  It is going to take time.  

I started yesterday keeping my Book Of Mormon out on the counter so that I can read even just a little when I pass by it.  I am trying to keep an ongoing prayer in my heart all day long for peace and for the Spirit to be with me.  I have been playing uplifting music rather than having the TV on during the day.  I KNOW these things will help me get through.  

Mostly....I have been doing a lot of this...

Which is the VERY BEST thing for my soul. 

When I grow up...

I want to be a Mother...and have a family.

I can remember singing this song as a little girl.  Being a Mother is all I have ever wanted to be.  Recently we have noticed such a physical resemblence in Paizly that looks just like me when I was her age.  She is 100% my Mini ME!  The other day I came into the front room and found this...

Paiz and her 5 Babies.  She is so nuturing and loving and sweet.  She is always playing babies ALWAYS!

It made me smile.

NEVER and ALWAYS

It has been three weeks since Lyndee Lou came into our lives.  How can that be?  Why is it that these three weeks have FLOWN by and the last three weeks of pregnancy went SOOOOO SLOW?  It is crazy to me.  Lyndee is precious. She is perfect in every way.  EVERYONE is loving having her here and can't get enough of her.  The kids constantly beg to hold her and kiss her and love her. It is a bit overwhelming at times well...most of the time right now but I am trying REALLY hard to be patient with them.  I know they love her so much.  

As I have spent much time reflecting on what has taken place in the last month and a half I become a bit overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with gratitude and sadness at the same time.  I suppose I have a classic case of the "Baby Blues"

It all started the day after we had Lyndee.  I got up that morning and got in the shower in the hospital room.  I clearly remember stepping in...being freezing and wishing the water would heat up quicker.  I looked down at my stomach like I usually did in the shower prior to having Lyndee.  I would admire my big ole' tummy and rub it and try to see her move inside of me.  I don't know what I expected when I looked down this time but the tears started and they were coming fast and it became a little hard to breathe.  As I sit and type this right now, I am having a similar experience.  My heart aches at the thought of never carrying a baby again inside my body.  It feels the way I suppose grief would feel.  Like I am mourning what I will never have again.  I took a really long shower as I tried to compose myself before getting out.  Erick does not do well with crazy emotions! So I try to spare him as often as I can.  It is really hard for me to grasp that I will never...

 Have a BEAUTIFUL pregnant body again...

Or feel the gentle and NOT so gentle movements of my baby inside of me.  The hic-ups and the feet and hands pressing out my side...all of it.

 I LOVE being pregnant and I usually feel AMAZING while I am and I did up until the last trimester. 

It is so sad to me that I will never have this again. 

And I will never...

Have the feeling I had in this picture when, I knew it was time to push and I was SO scared and SO excited all in one moment.  When everything was falling into place and coming to an end and a beginning all at once.  I LOVE that moment, I will cherish it.

And I will never get to wait in anticipation with Erick getting the cameras just right to capture the looks on our kids faces as they get their first look at their new baby.  This is the 4th time we have done it and we look forward to this moment every time. It is so fun to see the love they have for the new baby.  

And I will never have ALL OF THESE "FIRST'S"  

 Her first little hair do...getting ready to go home from the hospital...

 Daddy loving on her, getting her all ready and calm to go home...

 Coming home to Welcome Signs for all of us.

 Everyone getting to hold her for the first time in the comfort of our own home.

I also will never....

Be on bedrest for over 3 weeks again.  Where I cannot be the kind of mother that I want to be or the wife that I want to be to my Cowboy.  In so much pain that I spent more time crying that not. 

This is where my thoughts start to make a turn around for the better! 

I will never...

have surgery 5 day's prior to giving birth and have to worry what kind of affect it will have on our baby or myself.

See what I mean?  There are so many NEVERS and that's a very hard pill for me to swallow.  However, I am not blinded so much by all the "nevers" that I cannot see the 5 BEAUTIFUL 'ALWAYS' that I will have forever. (To be totally honest, I am 100% certain that if I had just had my 12th baby rather than my 5th, I would still feel this overwhelming sadness that I was done having children.) I am eternally thankful for every single second that I have with each of my children.  Life is good and I know that as we move into this new phase of life...the non baby making phase that so much fun and joy await us.  Our family is beautiful!  I love our first family photo below...

THIS is my ALWAYS...

Lyndees Birth Story...

We were "scheduled" for induction at 9am on March 26 2011.  I had never been induced before and honestly had heard nothing but horror stories about it.  So I was a little nervous to say the least.  I didn't sleep much the night before and got up early that Saturday Morning, showered and made sure everything was ready to go.  We got the kids off to a friends who had a day full of fun planned for them.  I called the hospital around 7:30am and they said I had been "bumped"  that it probably would not be for at least a few more hours.  I honestly was ok with that. I was a little disapointed but overall, fine.  So I got back in bed as I was still in a lot of pain from my surgery.  I called again around 11am to see where I was on the list and the gal was so sweet and said probably 2 more hours at least.  Still, I was ok...then about 10 minutes later the hospital called me back and said they were ready for me! I hollared to Erick and we hit the door running!!  We stopped at Arby's for lunch.  I was craving a French Dip Sub and I knew once I got to the hospital I was not going to be able to eat anymore.  

We got to the hospital and they got me registered.  Then we waited in the waiting room for them to come get us.  

 They got me in a room at 12:56am and got my IV started.   

At  2:18pm they started my Pitocin.  The nurse explained to me that they would up the dose every 30 minutes.  

About an hour or two later she came in and said that Dr. Falk said to get that Pitocin going!  That he had planned on coming in around 5 to break my water.

 My Parents got there and our sweet friend Virginia who was on Video Camera Detail also came to join the waiting game party!

Chloe' got there as well as my OTHER sweet friend Emily who was acting as my Doula/Photographer.  We did a lot of sitting and WAITING....

 All the women in the room got GIDDY over these tiny little diapers and the little hat.  I honestly could not believe that the time had come...I was within hours of meeting our daughter.

 We watched a few Basketball Games...

 At 6:00pm Dr. Messner came in and said she would break my water unless I wanted to wait for Dr. Falk.  I agreed.  I was a 2 when I checked in at 12:00 and was only a 3 at 6pm.  I knew that once my water was broke I would start to progress.

 They were pumping me so full of fluids...my face along with everything else started to get PUFFY!

 Our WONDERFUL Nurse Fraza...she was so sweet and doting on me.  She has been a Nurse for 17 years.  I adored her and was sad when 7PM came and she had to go home.  

 Our new Nurse Leslie came in, she was JUST AS wonderful and it was an added bonus that she grew up in Lehi as well.  

 Virginia was teaching Chloe how to crochet.

 I brought my tweezers because I really needed my eyebrows done and I knew Chloe' would be more than happy to do it for me!  This is the 9th Birth we have done together.  She is my very best friend.  Just having there is such comfort to me. LOVE MY SISTER

 At 8pm The nurse checked me again...I was a 5 and I got the GLORIOUS EPIDURAL!!

 Erick is showcasing Lyndee's going home outfit...

Along with the little shoes that Virginia just whipped up while waiting...

 This is when the fun begins...I could feel my body starting to transition and I needed to focus.  There were a lot of people in the room, visitors coming and going but I pretty much tuned everyone out from this point on...

 As with any birthing experience, there is a lot of worry.  

 I was not sleeping here, I was concentration on the transition...I could feel every contraction.  Not painfully rather just tightening.  It was the perfect epidural.

 However, with all good things like an epidural in my case comes the INSANE ITCHING...I thought I might claw the skin right off my face and stomach. The cool rag helped ease the itch a little.  

I love this picture with my Mommas hand.  She has ALWAYS been such an amazing Mother.  

 I remember laying there trying to be in tune with what my body was doing, and all of a sudden opening my eyes and saying "I need the nurse, there is a lot of pressure.  

Emily ran out of the room and got our Nurse.  Sure enough, I was a 10....It was time.  She called Dr. Falk who was en-route to the hospital right away.  She told me to hand on, that he was coming.   The next few minutes were a little tough for me as I wanted to push so bad but Dr. Falk had not yet arrived.  As our nurse Leslie saw this she began to prepare herself to deliver this baby...just in case.  

My one true love, My Cowboy.  He has sacrificed so much through this pregnancy.  The love we share is undeniable!!  We do not speak much during this process, we never do but we don't need too.  A little glance or touch of the hand is worth a thousand words between us.

 At 10pm Dr. Falk came running in...I was MORE THAN READY!!

 At 10:15pm...Lyndee Louise Farabee came Earthside....

Her delivery was flawless, perfect, even HEAVENLY.  

 This picture is amazing to me.  It is so crisp and clear and raw.  It is BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL to me.  

 They handed me my daughter...and my heart soared. She was here, she was safe, she was beautiful.  She and I together after 9 months of dreams and questions of what she would look like? What would her cry sound like?  Would she be ok?  Would I be ok?  

ALL answered in a moments time.  A moment when the space between Heaven and Earth collide.  Everything was good.  Everything was good.

There were a lot of people in the room for her birth.  I was actually unaware of the crowd.  This whole experience, (the birth) could not have gone smoother for me.  It was flawless really.  The love and support I felt during Labor was perfect.  I remember bit's of conversations that I could hear as I was focused on transitioning and they would make me smile and then I would fade back into my own place with ease.  I am SO very thankful that I was able to take part in this Heavenly experience of bringing Lyndee into this world.  What a blessing... to be a Mother.