Foster Care

I don't really even know how to begin this post.  I was doing another "random picture" post and I came across the first picture.  It brought up emotions that I didn't think I had.  It made me very sad and I am feeling a sense of loss and a little grief.  I don't think I have allowed myself to explore my heart too much when it comes to these kids. Until now. Here I sit in McDonalds, tears streaming down my face with a heartache that I have not missed. So let me explain...

I don't remember the exact date but one night at about 10:30 our phone rang.  It was our Bishop.  He said that he was sorry to call so late but there was an urgent situation and he needed to speak to us (Erick and myself) He then went on to tell me about a family of 4 children that had been taken from their parents on account of sexual abuse within their home. It would only be for probably a week at most two.  He said that the Parents had 24 hours to appoint someone to care for them before CPS appointed a Foster Home of their choice.  The Parents had just moved here and knew noone and had called upon our Bishopric to prayerfully find the right family for their FOUR children.  He said that the Bishopric had prayed and they ALL came up with our name. At this point in the conversation I remember my heart racing thinking to myself..."I have three kids of my own.  That would be 7 children 6 of which are under the age of 7.  Oh my goodness." He then told me that they needed a decision by 6am the next day.  He asked Erick and I to pray about it and not to feel obligated but to get back to him either way as soon as possible.  I hung up the phone and relayed the call to Erick.  We said a prayer and talked it over for a little while.  What would this mean for our family? For OUR children?  For Me who is home all day and already babysits extra kids 4 day's a week. We Prayed a little more and knew it was the right thing to do.    I called our Bishop the next morning and told him we would take the children.  He said someone would contact me with more details soon.  It wasn't 30 minutes later I was contacted.  By 9am I had 4 additional children.  Nathaniel was 9, Anna was 7, Emilee was 5 and Aubree was 4.  They were scared when I picked them up.  They were guarded.  They had the look of injured souls.  Indeed they were.  Our first few day's were VERY difficult for everyone involved.  We really hadn't had time to prep our littles for what was to come nor ourselves.  We had no idea. We got home and moved Derick in with Claira and Kash was in the nursery. We turned Dericks room into a room for the girls with his bunk beds and a bed on the floor.  We put Nathaniel in the loft as he was not allowed to share a room with anyone.  Erick and I took turns sleeping on the floor of our kids rooms and locked Kashies room at night, just to be sure there were no uninvited guests in the night.  We could not take any chances with our own children.   Sweet little Nathaniel had some mental disabilities as well.  He needed so much more than I could give him while trying to care for 6 other small children.  After 2 weeks his Grandma came to live in AZ and the State allowed her to take custody of Nate.  It was such a blessing for him.  His Grandparents gave him everything he needed and more.  It was hard for me to not be able to do it.  I felt defeated in that moment.  I told him that We loved him very much and that he had done NOTHING wrong.  Just that Grandma wanted to help and she asked to have him.  I remember him smiling at that thought.  I felt a little better.  So then we were down to just the girls and our 3 kids.  They all became friends and siblings.  People in our ward and neighbors rallied to help us with food expenses and other things.  I remember one month things were tight and we got our electric bill and there was a zero balance. Someone had paid it for us.  What a blessing.  Friends came in and helped with the laundry.  Even picking up some of it once a week and returning it cleaned and folded.  WE were so blessed.  These little girls were very troubled.  They were not easy by any stretch of the word.  Months went by and they were still ours.  We spent Holidays together.  A years worth.  We had these little girls for 14 months.  I took them to counceling to Dr appts to school and back.  I took them to weekly visits with their parents. We loved them like our own.  I remember getting the phone call that they were going home.  "GOING HOME??? WHAT?" How could this be.  Their parents were NOT FIT.  They didn't think it was a big deal that their children fell into the statistic of sexual abuse.  Their MOTHER's exact words were "I don't see what the big deal is, we are a statistic." Their parents had not completed the steps to get their girls back how was this happening?  Well...they turned their other 2 boy's, the ones that did the abusing that were victims themselves over to the state.  They gave them away, turned their backs on them.  Said goodbye.  I will never understand.  The girls were gone the next day.  I remember feeling relieved and sad all at the same time. I remember being excited that we don't have to worry every second if the kids are alone.  I remember feeling true heartbreak at the thought of the future these girls were facing.  It is not good.  I prayed that what they had experienced in our home would sustain them.  That they would not forget what it was like.  A few weeks pass and I was walking down the Hall in Church.  It was during the last hour and the halls were pretty bare.  There was the kids "Dad" (I use that term lightly)  He was waiting to confront me.  He proceeded to tell me that He and his Wife could not stand to look at me, that I ruined their lives and the lives of their 4 children.  I remember the tears starting to run down my face, his words hurt in a way I was unfamiliar.  It was to the core.  I could not speak.  Just then Brother Bahr came out of I SWEAR nowhere and looked me straight in the eye.  He knew this was not good and asked the "Father" to leave.   I was so relieved.  That was the end.  I could not believe after everything, that was it.  

About 9 months into Fostering our first group of kiddos we were told by CPS that we had to become Certified Foster Parents.  We became "certified" about a month before the girls left our home. 

Shortly after I recieved a call about 2 little girls that were victims of Neglect that needed placement.  I called Erick and he said, "why not?" (I love him) I called our Case Worker back and the girls were at our front door that afternoon.  Tava 9 and Audrey 7. They much like our other girls looked like little injured souls.  They however, immedieatly took to our family.  Within 24 hours, they called me Momma and Erick "Big Daddy."  That first night when I took the girls into shower them, they did not know what to do.  They had no running water in their home or electircity.  They bathed in public restroom sinks.  Sweet little Tava who I think has a form of Autism had nearly 3cm of dead skin on her entire scalp.  As I bathed them both I was reminded of my role as a Mother.  It is so big.  I am who they rely on.  These little girls did not have that.  Their parents did not provied what they should have.  When I laid them down to sleep, I sat in the room with them and prayed with them.  Audrey asked before she layed down, "what kind of ants do you have? The black ones or the Red ones?  I hope it is the black ones because the red ones hurt so much more."  I assured her there were not any bugs in her bed.  That she was safe.  They both drifted to sleep with no trouble.  We took a few day's to get school uniforms and supplies and then got them enrolled in School.  They began to thrive almost immedietly.  These two little girls wanted nothing more than affection and a place. A safe place.  When it was meal time, it didn't matter what meal they ate and ate and ate.  We learned in our classes that children that don't get fed on a regular basis do this.  They don't know when their next meal would be.  I found food stored in their room for the first couple weeks and then that wore off.  They knew we would not let them go without.  They were safe. They were loved and they were provided for.  We had these sweet little girls for 8 months.  I became pregnant and was put on bedrest.  I could not take care of them let alone my own children.  People were coming in to help me daily and it was not fair for them to take this responsibility as well.  We made the VERY diffucult decision to have the girls placed in another home.  Sweet Ms. Edna took these girls and gave them a beautiful home. We were still family.  They stayed with us often on weekends.  We attended their family parites and visited them at Christmas in her home. She was an angel and the girls loved her too.  They called us nearly every day. It was ok with me, I missed them.  I wished they were mine.  They too went back to their parents. Just about 3 months ago.   Ms. Edna is heartbroken without them and I feel lost not knowing if they are ok.  

Audrey and Tava called us about a week ago.  We only talked for a moment and they had to go. I don't know if their parents knew if they called us.  It was so good to hear their voices.  They sound good.  I hope they are.  I love them and miss them. Our kids still talk very fondly of them.  

We decided to take a break from Foster Care. It is something we both want to do again but feel we should wait until our children are older. As I sit here and reflect on that time in our lives, I am greatful for the Savior's obvious hand in our lives.  I am thankful for the dear friends and family that helped us out. I am proud of my children for sacrificing SOOO much for the sake of others. I am thankful for the amazing people I met along the way that otherwise I may not have. We are BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE. I have always had a passion for children. If I were rich, I would open the MOST AMAZING ORPHENAGE.  Maybe someday...maybe. It is MY dream.