Good Bye, My Sweet Womb...

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It's been 3 weeks and one day since I had to say this good bye. I remember laying there with an IV in my hand speaking with my two surgeons. Nurses were scurrying all around me. Weaving in and out between, Erick, my Mom and Dad and Roland. They were all so chipper (the nurses) one even said to me, " oh man if I were you, I would have held a, Yank the Ute Party before coming in." I laughed a little but what I really wanted to do was cry. This "Ute" was the starting place for five beautiful babies. It held them for 40 weeks until it was time for me to hold them in my arms.  I could never throw a party for losing something that really is a treasure inside my body. We knew we were done having children. My body told us that when I was pregnant with Lyndee. However, I would be lying if I didn't in my heart hope for, just one more. So this day was not a silly one for me. Not at all. I am thankful that I had fought my fear with faith. I knew I would come out ok.  That was no longer my concern.  When the anesthesiologist came in, that's when I began to cry. She assured me she would take care of me. I just kept crying. I was sad. I knew, this was it. There was no turning back. I was just sad. 

  Upon waking up, I felt so groggy but, not too groggy to feel the intense pain. The nurses were so sweet and kept telling me to push my pain button. I would push it and then wake up, I'm not sure how much later in extreme pain again. They would again remind me to push my button. They told me I could push it every 8 minutes and the  Morphine would automatically inject through my IV. Erick took over from there. He never let 9 minutes go by for 24 hours. He is SO good to me. I could not have asked for a better companion. He cared for me and catered to my EVERY need. The Dr. Came in the next day and removed my bandages. This is what we saw. 

 GROSS, I know. I was VERY swollen and bruised and wrinkly from all the bandaging. This is only part of the incision. It stretches a mere 14 inches. And it felt as bad as it looked. I kept my magical morphine button for two and a half days. As good as it was for pain, I was so confused the whole time I was on it. They would ask me questions and I remember not knowing how to answer them. My speech was slurred and sloppy  and as hard as I tried, I could not give a straight answer to the nurses and Dr's. 

   I stayed in the hospital for 5 days. It was good to go home. Emotionally, at this point I was fine. I had not cried since Pre op.  I honestly don't remember much about the first two weeks. Other than pain, pain and more pain. I have since had just a few emotional moments. I find myself crying over silly things on TV or on FB. I don't think it has REALLY sunk in yet. That it is gone. I find myself wondering what is there? What does my anatomy look like now? How do things work on the inside now, now that the center of my womanhood is gone?  So, as you can see. I'm still confused. I'm still sad. I'm still just not really sure how I feel about this whole thing. 

  I am thankful that I am healing. Swiftly at that. I'm thankful for everyone that has helped me and supported me and cared for me and my family. We are truly blessed and grateful. 

  So here I am 3 weeks and 1 day later. 

From the outside everything is healing quite nicely. Now, I just have to work on the inside...